Tiny Money Land

STAY OFF THE MOORS: In honor of my current reading project, I'd like to tell you my inspiration for pulling Wuthering Heights off the shelf. It started a few months ago when I was nosing around Barnes and Noble just out of idle curiousity, when I stumbled across a movie tie-in book for a movie I didn't remember.

I picked up the book, a tag-along for a forgotten MTV TV movie, which explains everything. It also explains why the book was still there, since I'm not entirely convinced that the current MTV demographic is high on reading. I looked at the cover, then I looked at the title. Then I looked at the cover and the title. I caught myself dribbling on my collar, a sure sign that my mind had been blown. I gave a quick read to the "introduction by the filmmakers", barely a page about what a bitchin' experience the movie was. After dealing with all that marketing, I was expecting to find a rewrite to conform to the oh-so-cheesy update that I was told to expect for the film. So when I hit the first page of the book proper, and it started with the date "1801," just like every other copy of the book, I chuckled to myself. Da kidz aren't gonna like this one bit. They're going to buy the book,be blindsided by the very first word ("'1801'?...you told us no dates!") and in the space of five minutes develop a blinding headache when they realize they'd wandered into a Bronte-an verbal thicket. If they picked up the B&N edition, at least they'd know what to expect...just look at the cover! It's not just sullen in that pouty, high school, Calvin Klein ad-approved way, dear friends, but with genuine foreboding...a supernatural force getting ready to pull anyone who objects to the bottom of the bay. In other words, truth in advertising.

Are all teenagers going to react that way? Of course not, but the ones that buy the book because of what they saw in the MTV movie (and the guy who wrote all those Meatloaf songs their dad listened to in the 1970s) might, and they'll get what they deserve. So my motive is as ice-cold as Heathcliff himself: to read the book so I'll be in a better position to bludgeon the film when (or if) I scrape up the nerve to rent it.

Somehow this all reminds me of a book I ran across in an antique store, which was a special edition of Charles Dickens' Tale of Two Cities. This late 30s edition promised that by removing the superfulous passages and retaining the main incidents of the plot, they had produced a comfortable experience for modern readers while retaining the flavor of Dickens. And what were these "surperfluous passages"? I found one on the very first page...something about the best of times, the worst of times. I guess they figured nobody would miss it.  

AT LEAST I FIGURED SOMETHING OUT TODAY: One of the most ridiculous direct marketing ads I've seen lately was for Propolene, another in the seemingly endless line of so-called fatburner pills. The ads for these pills are smeared all over the local airwaves, and I noticed they have been leaning heavily on the hook that "it's so powerful, it's patented", ignoring the fact that a lot of things that aren't really practical (or even original) have been constantly registered. So yeah, it's on the list at the patent office. Was it FDA tested to prove it actually did anything? Hell no. So how many bottles can we put you down for?

Besides the endless stream of testimonials and all that crap about the patents, we're also informed that this supplement is designed to shed large amounts of body fat, and to only use it if you want to lose a lot of weight. This sounded like standard infomercial medical quackery, so I put up my BS shields up and left them in place. However, it dawned on me just ten minutes ago the second life diet pills used to lead on the underground market. Could it be that the "only order this if you want to lose weight" line is code for "THIS ISN'T SPEED. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT"? Looked at that way, the the company almost did a responsible thing. An even more responsible thing would be to take that money and just open a Weight Watchers office with it, but you can't count on quacks to have that much of a conscience.  

FINALLY! A THEME MONTH I CAN ACTUALLY DO!: Yes, friends, we've finally dumbed down the month of achievements to a level where almost anybody can play...



You betcha, all you have to do is actually read a novel. A whole month for one book. You lazy %@*#ing sods...myself included. Good excuse for me to restart Moby Dick...or maybe crack open A Confederacy of Dunces. Both books mock me by just sitting there on the shelf, like furniture.

Still, it does make you wonder. What's next? National Color In the Lines Month? NaCoInLiMo, for short?  

BE CAREFUL OF THE NEW YEAR'S PROMISES I CHOOSE TO FULFILL: And now, some accidental art as a result of whistling into a microphone while the Microsoft Word voice recognition system is on:

Kirk Coker co hop could pay her that career-high cook ha ha ha of her go now than thinking that long time how long I’m gonna Hong. The good guy that the the net: that the that the live I’m no good and the good at that no La La La let your imagination them pay Linda Lowe long long live the long that that let him that long. The net that live long line: good will good on oil will walk the. Good luck and LAN to LAN La La La La mode and that A.L. and when oil and that line and then and load a good book follow at an age where the. The an armload on an old man man a net with long put them long line at low in the law.

Now, aren’t you glad that you didn’t pay for that software? I know I am.  

SEMI-MONTHLY "YEAH-I'M-STILL-ALIVE" POST: Happy New Year, jerks...

• We had a broken toilet here over the weekend due to a septic tank badly needing to be pumped out. While I do appreciate having a fully functioning bathroom again, I vaguely miss the experience of peeing in a bottle. And yes, that does mean I don't go to arena sporting events.
• Arrested Development has only been gone for only two days and I miss it already, especially since its replacement on Monday nights is (ugh) Skating with Stars. And what's worse, one of the "stars" is Dave Coulier. Has he done ANYTHING since Full House, besides Alanis?
• I wonder if Bill O'Reilly will cover the very real War on the Middle Class with as much vigor as the phony War on Christmas. Between the doubling of all credit card minumum payments and the effective end of bankruptcy as we know it, this is going to be a bad, bad year for anyone with outstanding debts...which is pretty much all of us.
• ...and yes, I made out a list of improvements I need to make for '06. Not resolutions...this is an AGENDA. Fully businesslike with all the obnoxious overbearingness the word implies. There are very few things that don't have to change by this time next year, and that starts with keeping this stupid thing rolling for the four or five people that got into the habit of looking in. I've resigned myself to the idea this probably won't get me the book deal I was looking forward to, but heck, there's just too much of it to throw away. Don't you feel lucky?
• No? Well, too bad. I'm still here.