Sunday, January 11, 2004
I BLAME CABLE: Now, y'see, I was going to talk about the jackass who is suing the cable company for "addicting" him, but Something Awful beat me to it (and may I also add that their slogan seems less and less of a joke with every passing year). Of course, they have to be quick on the draw, since they have hundreds and thousands of adoring fans, while I average around 9 hits a day. Some would say that's 8 more than I deserve, and I'd be one of those, but I'm getting off the subject.
He's missing a really obvious one, though; all that extra television made him stupid, too. The evidence: he's suing the cable company for making him a fat, lazy drunkard.
This slot on the parade of idiots has already been taken. Let's push past the obvious ones (TV, fast food, hot coffee, plastic bags and rubber bands) and brainstorm on some real surprises for the McLaw industry. As usual, I'll start:
--The girl at the McDonald's cash register always tells me to "have a great day", but I caught her saying the same thing to the next customer. Should I sue him for alienation of affections? (Yeah, that was lame but I'm just getting warmed up.)
--The music industry, through a concerted promotional effort, is trying to get my friends and me turned on to underaged girls. Mental cruelty? I think a judge should decide.
--One of the local radio stations used to declare "Z-93 IS GONNA MAKE ME RICH!" at every possible opening in the schedule, but it never did. False advertising, plain and simple.
--Speaking of the radio, it plays me love songs all the time, but it won't sleep with me. I can't even get to first base. That's got to amount to something.
--Now, the big one. When I was in high school, there was an orange juice ad where the tagline was "You know you want it, so just DO IT!" That filled my head with thoughts...BAD THOUGHTS. BAD, EVIL, LICENTIOUS THOUGHTS. Definitely not thoughts about orange juice. I can prove in a court of law that I can no longer form healthy adult relationships with women who don't smell like citrus products. It's a real bummer, but God willing, I WILL GET MY DUE.
As always, your comments are welcome...encouraged...pleaded for, even...
He's missing a really obvious one, though; all that extra television made him stupid, too. The evidence: he's suing the cable company for making him a fat, lazy drunkard.
This slot on the parade of idiots has already been taken. Let's push past the obvious ones (TV, fast food, hot coffee, plastic bags and rubber bands) and brainstorm on some real surprises for the McLaw industry. As usual, I'll start:
--The girl at the McDonald's cash register always tells me to "have a great day", but I caught her saying the same thing to the next customer. Should I sue him for alienation of affections? (Yeah, that was lame but I'm just getting warmed up.)
--The music industry, through a concerted promotional effort, is trying to get my friends and me turned on to underaged girls. Mental cruelty? I think a judge should decide.
--One of the local radio stations used to declare "Z-93 IS GONNA MAKE ME RICH!" at every possible opening in the schedule, but it never did. False advertising, plain and simple.
--Speaking of the radio, it plays me love songs all the time, but it won't sleep with me. I can't even get to first base. That's got to amount to something.
--Now, the big one. When I was in high school, there was an orange juice ad where the tagline was "You know you want it, so just DO IT!" That filled my head with thoughts...BAD THOUGHTS. BAD, EVIL, LICENTIOUS THOUGHTS. Definitely not thoughts about orange juice. I can prove in a court of law that I can no longer form healthy adult relationships with women who don't smell like citrus products. It's a real bummer, but God willing, I WILL GET MY DUE.
As always, your comments are welcome...encouraged...pleaded for, even...
|| Eric 11:57 AM#
