Saturday, October 18, 2003
ANOTHER CHILDHOOD MYTH DIES HARD: Jillian Clark, a student at the Chicago High School for Agricultural Sciences, has proved that the "five-second rule" for dropped food is not true. Of course, as a world-class slob, I'm shocked and stunned, but as someone who could never find anything in the microscope, let alone did a proper job in science class, I have to defer to superior knowledge.
My new trick for the next week, therefore, is to unlearn this lifelong bad habit without backsliding. It will take long hours of reeducation to teach myself how to adhere to the new style of doing things. I'm thinking of hiring somebody to kidney punch me when I'm tempted, althoug a course of electroshock may not be out of the question. I might just automate a pattern interrupt system, an intricate system of hinges and pins where my pants bite me in the ass when I bend at the waist (as I invariably do) to pick up the tainted goods.
If that doesn't work, then there's no two ways about it, I'll have to wear a trough on my belt so the cookies never hit the floor. It sucks, but my health is important to me, and I'm not going to mess mine up. GOD BLESS AMERICA! (scratches ass, picks ears, eats a big bag of Doritos with a 1 liter Mountain Dew)
AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SHOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR: If you weren't watching VH1 tonight, you missed a great hour on South Park, featuring a lot of people who were involved with episodes of the show as contributors (Robert Smith of the Cure, Les Claypool from Primus, Norman Lear) and victims (Bob Saget and Brian Boitano(!)). If you missed it, you blew it, buddy. It's not like they're going to run it 15 more times in the next week...
Oh, waitaminnit, it's VH1...they ARE going to run it 15 more times this week. Mmmmkay, check your listings, because I'm too bitter to do your homework for you tonight.
My new trick for the next week, therefore, is to unlearn this lifelong bad habit without backsliding. It will take long hours of reeducation to teach myself how to adhere to the new style of doing things. I'm thinking of hiring somebody to kidney punch me when I'm tempted, althoug a course of electroshock may not be out of the question. I might just automate a pattern interrupt system, an intricate system of hinges and pins where my pants bite me in the ass when I bend at the waist (as I invariably do) to pick up the tainted goods.
If that doesn't work, then there's no two ways about it, I'll have to wear a trough on my belt so the cookies never hit the floor. It sucks, but my health is important to me, and I'm not going to mess mine up. GOD BLESS AMERICA! (scratches ass, picks ears, eats a big bag of Doritos with a 1 liter Mountain Dew)
AMPLE PARKING DAY OR NIGHT, PEOPLE SHOUTING HOWDY NEIGHBOR: If you weren't watching VH1 tonight, you missed a great hour on South Park, featuring a lot of people who were involved with episodes of the show as contributors (Robert Smith of the Cure, Les Claypool from Primus, Norman Lear) and victims (Bob Saget and Brian Boitano(!)). If you missed it, you blew it, buddy. It's not like they're going to run it 15 more times in the next week...
Oh, waitaminnit, it's VH1...they ARE going to run it 15 more times this week. Mmmmkay, check your listings, because I'm too bitter to do your homework for you tonight.
|| Eric 12:38 AM#
